Have you ever worried about something that was out of your hands? Worry is not a fruit of the spirit, it's not from God and ultimately steals our peace.
Let me give you some history about a very traumatic experience I had once, so my purpose of this rant makes sense. We all know wasting our time reading someone ramble is no fun, so here we go with more dirt on this "Jesus girl" so you know you're not alone.
I currently have three children, but in between baby one and two, I had an ectopic pregnancy. From the moment I saw I was pregnant, I had the baby in my arms already. I'm not sure if that's how it is for all women but for me, my mind was already thinking about baby names. Discovering that my baby was growing but in one of my ovaries was devastating. My doctor at the time put me on a series of treatments to stop the baby from growing but it failed, and my ovary ended up rupturing.
The next thing I remember is passing out and fighting for my life in the hospital. I honestly thought I was going to die and couldn't shake knowing that everything ruptured because the baby continued to grow. Not only that, but I was also told I would now only have one functioning ovary.
You can imagine my state of mind I'm sure. I was a mess. I was a mess, my marriage was so new I didn't know how to communicate my feelings to my husband, and at the time I did not have a relationship with God like I do now. I fell into a deep depression and was furious at the world, God, and everyone for what I was enduring. I just kept thinking I was supposed to have a baby not going through this much pain.
I've already told you I now have three children, so you know that this story does have an ending of reconciliation, but it was a hard road to get to here. A hard road for my heart and for my marriage to heal from. With each pregnancy I've had since then, I always feel relief knowing the baby is where it's supposed to be.
So why did I take you through all of that? Well, guess what?!
We are pregnant again and are expecting baby number four this coming December!
Shocked? We're not.
We very much decided we wanted another, but I didn't think I was pregnant already. It turns out, I'm only about five to six weeks, and the doctor won't see me for two more weeks. I have known I'm expecting for about a week now, and my mind has been racing wondering if we should tell others or wait but then I thought about the verse God put on my heart for my life. You know those couple of verses you know "that you know" God kida' assigned for your life? Mine is: "What you say can mean life or death." Proverbs 18:21 (ICB)
I am speaking life not only into this baby's life but into mine. I refuse to let the past determine my peace and joy in this moment of being happy for this blessing. I don't know why things happen like what happened to me, but I do know I have survived what I've gone through only through the grace of God. He has a plan to make all we've endured into something good, and while we're enduring it we just can't make sense of it. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)
I've said my peace with God that all I want is HIS will to be done and not mine. To help me overcome all of these feeling that I know are not from Him but the enemy seeing a window of opportunity to push me down. I'm not saying I am okay with something "bad" to come of this pregnancy but what I am saying is that now I trust God that He knows what's best for me better than I do. That's a hard one to properly express, but I'm sure many of you know my heart, and what I mean.
I want everyone who's reading this to know that miscarriages are something you don't have to live in the dark about and you're allowed to grieve. I know first hand that they can make no sense and deeply hurt. If my past pain has any purpose, I hope if you're struggling with making sense of your pain you reach out for help. The enemy wants us to live in the dark alone, and because I didn't deal well with my past grief I almost lost my marriage, and now my peace is being challenged as well again. Yes, even two babies later those past feeling of anxiousness are there. I refuse to let the enemy have one ounce of my joy.
I hope this message finds you well and you know you're not alone trying to "life." You are most definitely not! "How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity!" Psalm 133:1 (NIV)
So cheers to baby number four!
We are so excited to share this next chapter with you!